dead sexy mark! hahaha

hmmmm really feel as though i should write about him...mainly just to get it out of my system...hopefully for good...

There is alot of things I would like to say to him...but im not going to...because i guess...it's a matter of pride...a matter of fear...a matter of letting bigones be bigones...a matter of if its meant to be....its meant to freakin be!!! A matter of not wanting a guy to want you because you want him..and also because these feelings...the feelings i have for him....i wasnt meant to have in the first place...so i stuffed up big time...i couldnt help it...DAMN YOU FEELINGS!!! DAMN YOU!!! y does he have to be dead sexy whhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyy!!!! LOL and besides i know that one day when i read this...i will just laugh at how effing stoopid i was for feeling this shit in the first place!!! Thank goodness i have the ability to laugh at oneself downpat!! HAHA!!

Holey moley...im just hoping that in writing this...it is somehow thereaputic...because right now i have such mixed emotions...and to be honest with you....im just hoping against all hope that in writing this...it helps even just a tad to soothe this pain i feel...hmmm im sad that it has to end....but happy that it freakin happened....see the way i think atm is.....if i had let this continue...could you even imagine how more deeper shit id be in...deeper than i am now...how retarded would that freakin be!! So best to cut your loses...i thinks!!! hahaha...funnily enough i haven't cried about it...not really expecting too...thought maybe i would...but i didnt....maybe because this is, at best...what i had prepared myself for...

If i could say something to him...it would go something like this...

Thank you for everything...you do not understand how you have made such a significant impact on my life...you have actually showed me that there are guys out there that are actually men and arnt little boys (i am not taking a digg at any past bfs LOL they cool...we cool!!)...you have given me hope...and all i needed was hope....your character...i am absolutely amazed by...you are kind, generous, caring, smart and loyal...personality is effing crazy funny and blunt....its just great....and more than what i could ask for in a guy...and whoever you end up with would be so damn lucky!!! (SO SO SO DAMN LUCKY)  Thank you for making me feel special...(THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!) i haven't felt that for awhile...I could only wish you every success and every happiness...(TRULY!!)

I will miss you for awhile...until i dont...(isnt that true about all things...)

that would be the main freakin jist of it!! But you know WHATEVER!!!

sometimes you forget...just to remember again... 

i really like him...this guy...and i didnt have the balls to tell him...but i never do...EVER...the most i could say was that i missed him...isnt that indication enough?? I know that its not really but at this time that is the best i could do...To be honest i think it was...that is such a big deal coming from me...but i guess he didnt know me well enough to actually know that...and i just have to accept that he didnt feel the same way!!! How much does that suck...i dont really know what i want neway (that is where my self defence mechanism is kicking in) SO HA!!! LOL HMMMM hopefully ill get over the whole thing soooon...plzzz plzz plzzzzz...i doubt we'd ever be friends...but it would be nice...LOL

you know what annoyed me i would go on dates...and i would think about how much more awesome mark is to the guys that im actually dating...how effing shit is that...when i know that this wasnt going to go anywhere anyway!! (i have always been one to want what i cant have....hmmmm so not good!!!) hahahah BUT A HOT SHIT BITCH AT THAT!! LOL (again its the self defence mechanism jolting into place...dont mind me...but i can be abit obnoxious sometimes...LOL)

i didnt really really want to mention him before because you know...i was in mad denial about my feelings for him...always in denial....forever in denial...i hate that about myself...i find it so hard to face what i really trully feel about a guy...it takes me ages to acknowledge feelings...(another self defence thing) but now since this is all done and dusted i might as freaking well...hahaha...what is the harm in it?? no harm??

i dont even think he knows my last name LOL

I am not one to put my emotions on the line...cuz im such a big pansy!!!! and because DENIAL IS SUCH A BITCH!!! But the thing is...i do understand that with this shit you kinda have to...but i couldnt in the situation...MY BAD!! for next time...i promise....

I do hang on to the hope that one day....a person whoever that person is.....MUST BE SO DAMN CRAZY FREAKIN AWESOME!! LOL a comforting thought indeedy!!

Newhos...todaLOO!!! so glad to get that off my chest!!!

again i have to say....DAMN YOU FEELINGSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

DAMN YOU!!!

this did help...just a tad!!!

ciao ciao lovelies

annainks