Saturday, November 13, 2010

....to new beginnings...

I have to say that i haven't written a blog in a ka-billion zillion years...so if i go all blog mental on you i apologise in advance...lol...

so weird to be suddently overwhelmed with the desire to put thoughts into words and words into a blog then send it into the abyss of the wide world web....it's odd almost profound how much i have missed blogging...maybe because i had forgotten all about it...being busy with the busyness of life...of work and work and work and work and parties and parties and parties...endless things to do without really thinking about things...maybe its just me getting in touch with my inner thoughts and feelings...maybe i haven't thought about things much until lately...

so much to say so little time...at times so much time...so little to say...haha

well the last time i blogged from memory...i was in love...and all i wrote about was how much i loved him...or how my job was...or some random shit about what was happening in my life...but then again what the f*ck else would i blog about...hahaha...i guess today i feel like blogging about more core things...about life in general...nothing to specific...maybe because i dont have anything or anyone in particular to write about...(well at this stage anyway)....i must explain that i write with a flow...about whatever just pops into this preety little head of mine...so if i confuse you again i apologise...hahaha....because at times i know that i just confuse myself...haha

so life...

life is fan-bloody-tastic....i am healthy...im breathing...i have a roof over my head and food on the table....really not much to complain about...

i was outside on the driveway having smoke (i know smoking is a bad habit...which im hoping to get rid of soon LOL and in no way do i condone smoking!! dont start!!!) looking at the stars and thinking thinking thinking...

my life is great!!

i have awesome relationships with my friends and family, i have a awesome job...i consider my self truly blessed!!

i did have a fight recently with my closest ppl...hmmmmm im considering using their real names...i dunno...should i?? lets just call them ling, zing and ring....hahahahaha....kinda not really with ring or ling...more zing...maybe cuz i was getting my period....but it weird fighting with your closest peeps...i hadnt felt so issolated in such a long time...so alone...zing...gave me tone...that was wat it was about...its more complicated than that...it was wat she said...and then it wasnt just that its all these little tiny things....that just i dunno came to me....and it made me so sad....so bloody freaking sad...and i realised that i can handle alot of things being angry, being frustrated, being bored....but sadness is something that just doesnt go well with me...

i was explainging what had happened to one of my work mates...and she said that this thing that happened shouldnt have happened...its like an unspoken rule kinda thing...and to zing, ling and ring...well to most ppl i just dont like telling anyone wat to do...but come to think about it...how awkward....how can i expect ppl to do things if i dont tell them....like they cant read my freakin mind...but at the same time i felt that they should know better...and i was so hurt and so sad that i couldnt even fathom the words to say...so i just cried....these stoopid waterfall tears....like those silent tears that just dont stop....well ive fixed things with ling and ring....because i missed them so much...and because it was silly...but at the time i couldnt bring myself to speak...and dont get me wrong ppl...i talk all the time....but when it comes to something that is i guess...to close to the heart...not only am i speechless but im nothing short of tears...endless tears....i didnt know one person could cry so much let alone....had no idea where the fuck all that water came from...haha..hmmmm im going to go speak with zing tomorrow cuz i heart her...dunno what ill say...but ill fix things...

at the point of when i was at my saddest of sad....i was wondering what the point of being close to ppl was...wat was the point when all you do is leave yourself vulnerable to hurt? wat was the point when the ppl closest to you are the ppl that hurt you the most? you know it was one of those many moments in life where u question the validility of these things....it makes you wonder if life would be easier if you just didnt let ppl in...but you and i both know that a life like that isnt worth living....life is about...well my perspective on it all...is that life is about cultivating these awesomely crazy friendships where you can share your inner most thoughts and feelings with ppl....be it your friend...your family member...your lover....your life partner...or watever...and be yourself...and they accept you for who you are...the good, the bad and the ugly hahaha...i sure do have ugly moments hahahahaha and you do have to take risks on ppl...risks on things....how boring would it be if you never took risks...not only boring....how fucked up would it be....so if you take a risk on a person, a job, a anything and it doesnt work out....so be it...at least there wouldnt be any regret....you'd learn from it? well lets hope that we would learn from it haha...

wow this wasnt as long as i thought it would be...hahahaha....maybe because its 1am...and my bed is starting to look preety damn warm and inviting....hahahaha

there is heaps i want to blogg about...man i can talk alot of shit....hahaha...but i have a early one tomorrrow...doing who knows whats...hehe...so i shall blab on more then....maybe

toodles

bananaink

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